L X X I

What I will and what I won’t,

I’m not going to tell you shit about my week.

I’m not going lay out abstract ideas for you to understand my feelings.

I’m not going to mean anything by this.

I’m not going to let you know about how I don’t want to.

I am, however, going to kill you.

Not it a real, murder type of sense.

But in the sense of idea and memory.

I’m going to make you invalid for all but one reason.

I’m going to fight my apathy.

I’m going to get going on fixing the things you broke.

I’m going to do the opposite of you.

I watch you scrape and claw and scream and fail and search for pity and an excuse to be sad.

I will lead by example.

I will prove you wrong.

I will defend what you fight against.

I am your enemy.

I will take everything you had.

I will be right to those you have wronged.

I am the wings while you were the ball and chain.

I am the hope and the truth to your plight and lies.

I’m sorry I ever kept you…

January 20, 2013, 1:45pm

I still want the future, even if it’s already here

I want the city to breath light to me and wash me in it

I want wide footpaths and flying cars

I want aroma advertising on the streets, go and try replica meat

I want signs to talk to me

I want it all brought to me by a giant evil corporation

Come. Come hither, on boxes the prophets speak

Beg as they do

Here it might be, just the future and me

Crammed together on public transit, each in our own little world

Comfort zones

Every friend tied neatly together in a network

Every acquaintance well documented

Money exchange with the wave of a hand

A lovely apartment, filled with unused post-modern furniture, where I only sleep

A train to the nowhere

Taste the air

I imagine this perfectly quiet pulsating night

What it is to live in the future

What it is to be alone with so many people

January 20, 2013, 12:36pm

One day the sun won’t rise.
One day the earth shall be replenished and then immediately exhausted.
One day we won’t need symbols or prophets or ritual.
One day we’ll know the truth. 

I’ll leave you a letter where you can find it, so that you know it wasn’t your fault. I’ll let you hear the birds sing without a memory of what that sound means. I’ll be here so long as you love me, but like a jealous god, the moment you stop, I will leave. 

There’s a place in my heart that is sun drenched and dry, a town in the middle of nowhere where I’ll live forever, because nobody cares, because no body sings, because nobody moves not one inch more than they need… and the earth will not be replenished as the earth never ran out, no, there was too much earth and enough was enough.

Now I know where I got it. I thank my old man. I think he always was a poet and never knew it.

So I say, thanks to you partner, wherever you are. I’ll always remember what you did for me. I’ll always love you for that and not a single bit more and then I’ll shed some tears and walk into that final night—that final night where the sun doesn’t rise and we can stay up forever, in a sleepover that never ends because the next day never comes and there’s no more work to be done.

Right here, I know, it is a warm hug within that says, your work is done, you may rest…

..and finally, in that moment we were all free. 

Goodnight, friends, sleep while you can.

October 02, 2012, 9:54pm

She is the mountain, cold snow capped and closed, up in the air, air she is rising, earth in the sun.

I am her rain frozen in altitude falling, air I am falling, supposedly rising… Am I steam or am I snow? Either way I’m water, shining in the sun.

Her moon sign is water and so’s mine, drops of fluid far seperate but similar, hearts kindred if you can feel aspects written up in stars.

By points of light we are governed and their rule certain as stone, escape as we try, we are pulled to return.

Born features decided, the fates do unfold, changing and shaping the people we are left with in the mirror.

I feel like she has never been loved the way she needed, and I never loved the way I want to, which might be to give her all she needed, and she’s a bottomless pit that can drink it in. All I can give, a tidal wave pulled into the canyon, sinking and soaking her wet.

She’s opening as wide as she can, this is her trying, she kisses me, she feels something and hides it, I’m drowning her, biblical, after it rains, the ground is wet and the air is dry, the sun will rest but my water is trapped, frozen on her peak. It’s going to take a fire to free us from each other tonight, so take a deep breath and fucking blow. Melt that ice cap with a volcano.

October 27, 2011, 8:06pm

Hey, haven’t seen you around here for a while.
The chair is cold and I can’t sit there without wanting to take your weight,
Stupid, There’s no place left for you and I,
Kiss me goodbye and we’ll meet in between consciousness, in sleep,
Wasn’t it that we’ll pretend that we never made those mistakes,
Worth it for the start, for the look and the taste, but,
It was the best one I’ve ever had.

August 24, 2011, 1:45am

Not quite a pair, the mind reaches out, ideas with none to compare.

Say that once was a god alone, in nothing, how would it know it’s there?

What would there be to be aware of?

So in the deep forever before this all how far does it go?

Single units, single cells, single atoms, all the way down,

Emerging complexity where there once was none.

Elements together greater than themselves alone,

How is it that you think you know?

How many pieces of you make up your consciousness as a whole?

How much of you is inside your body? How much is just outside?

Superstition aside what would you believe all on your own?

Without depth perception you might think you were a god as well.

And still together we are more than that with perspectives shared.

It’s important to not lose our division, though we may want more,

When we accept the truth around us, we can gain a billion eyes,

We can see what we never imagined and the whole world fills with light,

And we sit upon an eye in the universe,

with everything except the spaces between alive.

November 02, 2010, 2:20am

I guess I stopped writing short dark pieces once the depression broke. Once I realized I didn’t have anything to be sad over, just mad, again, like usual.

There’s no wonder to me why generations of young men end up in jail or in the military or dead from street violence. The pent up anger of young men is the driving force exploited by people who want to get shit done.

Anyway. Yeah, nothing to be sad about. Pretty weird after nine months of moping around and a calendar full of regretting shit. Some of us still move on.

I’ve been writing something that could be big one day, like serious future fanboy fodder, geek shit. The only thing that sucks about writing it is, aside from the uncertainty of publication, that it’s going to take years to do, and it will probably be incomplete until a couple thousand pages are written, polished, edited, rewritten, edited, revised and polished and edited again by me. I’m going to aim for it to be done by 2020, I’ll almost be 40, just old enough to have paid my dues in the meantime and then have a largely lackluster career afterwards. Dues gotta be paid for that cred, right?

One of my biggest challenges has been trying to figure out what to do with all the rest of this. Sure, working on and having “a life’s work” is a nice feeling. It’d also be lovely to have a life to go along with said work. I don’t mean any singular particular thing, I just mean all the rest. There doesn’t seem to be anything that sticks out as a must-do anymore, aside from making money to live on. I guess maybe I’m just a minimalist to the core.

I’m ready for anything in a strange way. No kids. No significant other. No real career. Purpose, sure. No more deep wanderlust, sure there are still places I’d like to go, but it’s not like it used to be. Contentment with mortal existence and seeing thru the bullshit, yes, check, double check. Ability to appreciate and reciprocate and being thankful for what I’ve got, yes to all. I feel like a part of the universe, a small fairly insignificant part, but still an observer, a witness to this whole crazy place.

I guess an uneventful life can still be a full one. Accepting the thin lines of objective reality and taking to it with big subjective crayons is all someone can do. People can color outside the lines all they want. I’ll draw my own lines to color within, I just wish I had more blank pages.

-Brian

July 09, 2010, 8:21am

It was only 6 years ago that I started LXXI with no money and a few hopes and dreams. Now, 6 years later with no money, I have at least crushed all but the most important dreams… saving myself potentially decades in chasing things that don’t matter to me.

-Brian

May 07, 2010, 8:09am

I try to not be superstitious, I tend to regard things like this as coincidence but I am in awe of how it describes me. Just another one of those magical moments in life I suppose. You can try it for yourself here: http://astro-software.com/cgi-bin/astro/natal

My chart is as follows:

Sun in Scorpio
Physical energy and courage. Strong passions. Regeneration and improvement. Strong sexual powers.
Weaknesses: He is suspicious, defiant, extremist: he has a vindictive nature. Can turn violent.

Scorpio ascendant Gemini

Sun in V
Recreation, pleasure and games play an important part in life, but also bringing up children. The latter are the most important things in the world for him and he is prepared to make huge sacrifices for them.

70 Trine Sun - Moon
He has lots of vitality. He likes public life, he is popular and his company is appreciated. He is balanced, at ease with himself and gets on very well with his parents.

The moon represents a reaction, unconscious pre-destination, and the self-image.
Moon in Pisces
Imaginative, sharp insights. He is impressionable, with an abundant imagination. Multiple births.
Weaknesses: troubles caused by too much sentimentality, worries, problems, unhealthy imagination, nervousness.
Moon in X
Changes of situation. He is frightened of getting old and tends to hark back to the past. Influenced by the father. Success due to help from women.

-293 Opposition Moon - Mars
He is very emotional and is driven to do things by his emotions. He does not think things over or through in a given situation. He is irascible and sometimes violent. Marital disputes.

Mercury represents communication, Cartesian and logical spirit.
Mercury in Libra
With big ideas, he evaluates and weighs things up. Of good judgement, he expresses himself clearly. Before coming to an opinion on a subject, he listens to the opinions offered by various people and can compare them before making up his own mind.
Weaknesses: he is happy-go-lucky and phlegmatic. The spouse can be unfaithful. Partnerships are unprofitable.
Mercury in V
Taste for intellectual games, sports that require skill and finesse. He is very curious about everything, even in love. He likes children.
480 Conjunction Mercury - Jupiter
He is intelligent, has big ideas: he is tolerant and has a strong sense of justice. He has good judgement, good sense and has his feet on the ground. He has the "gift of the gab", and likes to speak, he also likes literature. He is erudite and will normally be successful socially.
60 Sextile Mercury - Neptune
He can put down in writing everything that his imagination and intuition dictates.
302 Conjunction Mercury - Pluto
He has a great sense of observation and quickly grasps the situation. He is crafty, subtle and critical.
55 Trine Mercury - Ascendant
He is intelligent, with quick and lively reflexes. He is preoccupied by his circle, likes to exchange ideas with his friends, but also with strangers. Of an open nature, he goes out to others.

Venus represents an interest for emotions and values, exchange and sharing with others.
Venus in Capricorn
Loves are sincere. He is basically attracted to those with problems, which complicates life because he takes on those people’s problems. His feelings are deep, stable, solid, definite. He is not very expansive and can be melancholic.
Weaknesses: he has a tendency to hold back emotions, he is too reserved and is frightened of being disappointed in love.

Venus in VII
His fate depends a lot on marriage. Marries for love, children, happy emotional life.
55 Conjunction Venus - Neptune
His professional life is unstable. He has a taste for the Arts, is a dreamer, is easily influenced and romantic. He is emotional and very sensitive.

Mars represents the desire for action and physical energy.
Mars in Virgo
Efficiency, deftness, flexibility, diligence but also ingenuousness.
Weaknesses: he can easily boil over and can get angry over a small detail that gets in the way .
Mars in IV
Quick decisions, he has a lot of things on his plate and wants to climb the social ladder. He will succeed through phenomenal work-rate. Stormy family life, where his aggressiveness shows itself.

Jupiter represents expansion and grace.
Jupiter in Libra
A high liver with a sweet, attractive and sunny disposition. Likes justice, which he trusts. He knows how to forgive completely.
Weaknesses: he can have problems, because he gets involved in doubtful situations through trusting too much.

Jupiter in V
He likes games and distractions. He has passion which lights up his days. He is lucky in love, but also professionally, with pleasant working conditions and duties. He loves his children and gets much enjoyment from them.
63 Sextile Jupiter - Neptune
He is very generous and altruistic, helping people in difficulty or sick people. He knows how to listen or, at least, how to give that impression. He is a dreamer, with lots of imagination: he likes the Arts.
220 Conjunction Jupiter - Pluto
He likes to direct, is intelligent and is an organizer of the first order.

Saturn represents contraction and effort.
Saturn in Libra
Recognized for his seriousness, moral qualities. He is respectable, conscientious.
Weaknesses: not open to new ideas.

Saturn in V
He likes method, calculation, concentration. He is not drawn towards amusements, or pleasure in general. He has few friends, but has deep and sincere feelings. He is serious in everything.
41 Conjunction Saturn - Pluto
He perseveres, achieves his projects through hard work.

Uranus represents individual liberty, egoistic liberty.
Uranus in Scorpio
Intelligent and subtle. Adores research, inquiry, investigation. Very sensual.
Uranus in VI
He is independent, undisciplined, eccentric and rebellious. He has a blunt character. He has problems in holding down a job, must work independently without relying on anyone else.

Neptune represents transcendental liberty, non-egoistic liberty.
Neptune in Sagittarius
Likes long voyages, things foreign, water.
Neptune in VI
He is more prone than most to the bad influence of alcohol, medicines and drugs. To be avoided at all costs.

Pluto represents transformations, mutations and elimination.
Pluto in Libra
Brings changes.

House I is the area of self identity. The ascendant is a symbol of how one acts in life. It is the image of the personality as seen by other, and the attitude that one has of life.

Scorpio ascendant Gemini
Ascendant in Gemini
He is sociable, without a doubt a little gossipy. Tends to forget set objectives. Likes to write.

House II is the area of material security.
House II in Cancer
Financial success might come late, if it will come in the commercial field.

House III is the area of social and intellectual learning.
House III in Leo
He is a very good organizer. Everything is carefully studied, explained and swiftly executed.

House IV is the area of action and emotion.
House IV in Virgo
Makes a good father, watching over his children, spending the night in an armchair near a sick child, caring for and calming him/her with patience. Knows how to look after his home perfectly, how to iron out difficulties by his practical sense and thanks to his intelligence.

House V is the area of self-security.
House V in Libra
He is delicate and full of good manners, with a taste for luxury: his friends are the same - refined with very good jobs. Will want to marry (and not just live with the partner).

House VI is the area of learning by material transaction.
House VI in Scorpio
Likes risky professions. Weak point: the genital area.

House VII is the area of social et intellectual action.
House VII in Sagittarius
Either marriage with a foreigner, or a marriage abroad, or marriage with a foreigner abroad.

House VIII is the area of emotional security and of security of the soul.
House VIII in Capricorn
Natural death in very old age. Inheritances.

House IX is the area of learning that shapes the identity.
House IX in Aquarius
Goes into one of the professions, is innovative and original. Likes travel, communicating with different people. Long research.

House X is the area of material action. The Mid-heaven represents the work one will do in his life, the place one will take in the world of society. It becomes more important as one grows older
House X in Pisces
Professional success in solitary professions. Archivist, librarian, historian etc…

House XI is the area of search for social and intellectual security.
House XI in Aries
Likes to be surrounded by friends full of vigor, solid, spirited. Carries out everything he undertakes.

House XII is the area of education and of emotion.
House XII in Taurus
Business affairs will have their highs and lows, financial loss can be heavy.

April 08, 2010, 6:36am

May your mind go first,
Slow enough for you to know.
Your children left to take care of you,
What’s another 30-40 years going to prove, what’s it going to do?
If you gave me the gun and the bullets I’d do it for you.
Let me unburden that soul of yours, let it fly free.
There isn’t anything to this, we might as well see,

Your ideas against mine.
I bet it all, the only shot I got.
You bet this against afterlife.
And I’ll set you free.
Send me a sign.
Everything’ll be alright. All right.

When I was a kid, those times were endless.
Those times go on and these are already over.

I’m going to do it because that’s control,
One way or another,
It’ll be these hands,
Wrapped around your fucking throat,
Squeezing triggers at themselves.
I stopped giving a shit when the earth told me it was dead,
It spit up the murk, and the darkness of the world,
What better than life to do me in, she said.

So much for your retirement,
Rot alive fuckers,
May you watch yourself fall apart,
Rot alive forever.

I wish you could live so long,
To watch everyone you care about die,
I can’t think of any better punishment,
Thank fuck it’s permanent,
I don’t want to ever see you again.

April 07, 2010, 9:14pm

There are times when my life seems magical within existence and the universe. I have questions that reach far beyond what history and our collected knowledge and investigation can ever answer, however, at the highest level of the hierarchy of my reality and my knowledge are the scientific method and critical thinking. Fortunately, and sometimes unfortunately, I (being the final authority on my reality) have to throw my hands up in the air and say, “I don’t know.”

I tend to think an educated person has an easier time saying “I don’t know” than an uneducated one, as an educated person knows there is much they do not know. The highly educated often realize they haven’t the slightest fucking clue.

We as a species may never fully understand the mysteries of our existence, but we cannot stop trying or just give up and allow faith to take over. Speculation, assumption and pseudoscience are not good enough.

Science itself does not fail; science has never been in the business of creating facts, though facts may be a byproduct. Science observes and tests what is our universe in order to better understand it. Like most things there is both good science and bad, but I tend to think the bad is not science at all. When the limit of our observation is reached we should not throw out wild speculation of what could be, but again we should analyze what we can and improve our tools of observation.

As our observation can fall short, rather than chalk it up to being “magical,” as I sometimes do, many retreat into the idea of God, some never had a chance to do otherwise as they were taught to not think and to not question. In our times these ideas are not only dangerous (e.g. 9/11, hate crimes, child abuse), but also holding back the development of our knowledge, society and values in many ways (e.g. no equal civil rights for gays, ignoring overpopulation, restricting the education of individuals on basic principles in conflict with religions).

I believe the best thing we can do right now is demand that critical thinking skills are taught in public schools, instead of just facts and figures, we should teach method to tune young minds to do what they are meant to, and that is to question everything and to think to better understand their world.

I would argue that private religious schools do more harm to an individuals rights via indoctrination than anything the state could ever do to restrict personal beliefs. It is my own belief that personal beliefs should be reached by an individual who has access to as much information as possible rather than the interpretation of limited information by others.

If we can admit that our knowledge is ultimately limited and give our youth the tools required to expand it, the future might thank us. We should never allow stubbornness, ignorance, gullibility or stupidity to be virtues; we should be honest with ourselves and as non-fallacious as possible.

My questions go unanswered, the uncertainty of life and existence still seem magical at times, though critical thinking ultimately prevails and I realize how much there is left to discover.

For the religious, life is firmly God’s creation and God is a certainty to them. All of their questions are answered in a circular loop as closed off as their minds. They fail to see the “magic” of it as I can, even though at the heart of all of those answers and all their knowledge is a petty and jealous magical being.

I’d much rather be left with some questions than have those answers.

-Brian

P.S. It is time to put away our childish fairy tales, the evolution of ideas grinds on as our species beings to mature; it’s a magical world indeed. Thanks for reading!

April 06, 2010, 12:27pm

I had this idea once, that I could start life a new, perhaps see some new things and go somewhere different. I did and I couldn’t stand it. Those concepts that ran thru my head were all lies or things yet unlearned.

I thought that friendship and love were one in the same and that some girl was, somehow, a special girl who would’ve been different once upon a time. I went on to find that she was real, only to me, right behind my eyes — self deception of a decade or so.

I learned that unwritten contracts were the hardest ones to break. I learned that knowledge and experience kills dreamers, only the dull and stubborn persist (and boy does it get them places).

I don’t believe in gods or kings or patriotism or even the goodness of mankind, and yet somehow I muster up the hope, like some crazed idealist, to go on another day. I try not to believe in anything these days because believing only ends up hurting once you learn the truth and the truth is that pretty much all of this is a lie in one way or another, if by nothing else then by your perspectives being inadequate, oh, O the pain of limited human perspective.

Right now, it isn’t today, it’s a hundred years in the future. We are dead and gone, your kids are dead and gone and no one cares. There is no heaven and there is no hell, it’s like remembering before you were born. They speak a new language in the future, your books and your songs and your movies will go untranslated. Those times we had, no one is alive to remember them. Those faults we had, no one to remember them either. Our names, our good deeds, our crimes all fade into time. Eventually humans evolve into other creatures or die off completely, the sun burns up the earth. Dark energy tears apart galaxies, stars, planets, atoms until the entire universe is just a super-thin gas, so pardon me if I say fuck your god, fuck your preconceptions, fuck everything you know. Limited time, people, spend it wisely. That is freedom to me until I learn otherwise.

This blog is an exercise in sentimental bullshit. I try to exorcise my demons, but maybe they are just as much me as the fingers typing this. Lying to yourself doesn’t change anything and I’m tired of talking about this.

March 29, 2010, 12:43am

The coast is clear,
How they cleared all the rubble and steel baffles me,
I thought about the day it came crashing down,
Same as the rest of ‘em.

I spoke from the heart,
Said what was true.

All I had done, all the good, it didn’t matter.

Can you look at these blueprints for me?
Unless you think we should plan the streets first,
Reorganize the districts,
See if we can project how many people will want to live here,
Even our best estimates are low.

Maybe they used too much explosive,
You tell me, all I can see is a giant fucking crater.

Do you think we should fill it in before we start building?
Earthquakes haven’t gone out of style,
Are we going to rename it Crater City?
Realistically we can have this city up and running in a couple years.

Are you sure?
Not that this has anything to do with anything but,
This professional relationship really isn’t working, I want more,
I can only wish this much,
May you drown in the bile of the earth,
Useless liar,
Sucking void of attention and effort,
Every fucking day you should kill yourself and go away.

March 15, 2010, 11:35am

Those who have so little to say with so many words,
Have you now the manners to spare us?
Although the night is young,
The people of it are old,
So much effort is put into such a small thought.

As if we needed more piled on,
Lies that claim to love,
Lost people steer towards this invisible beacon.

Fools argue well about foolish things,
Only the wise want to free them,
Last of the good nature humans have,
Kids know the truth until we deceive them,
Sane turn insane as they argue with crazies about crazy their things.

March 06, 2010, 11:09pm